i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
