to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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