I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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