just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
