It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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