When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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