Fuck appropriateness.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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