I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We left the knife in your bed.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
