He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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