sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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