you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
