Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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