I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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