I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
