I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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