Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
