Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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