While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
