Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
