I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
organizing the empties. That sober.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
