Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
