i think i have two assholes
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
