the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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