even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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