Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
