I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
