Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
