Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
