I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
