we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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