I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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