mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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