That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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