Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
