DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
