saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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