I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
