I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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