how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
