can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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