she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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