Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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