ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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