the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
