you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
