He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
