Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
