Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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