Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
