Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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