alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
