Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
