I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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